Question # 538: A man was not good in his behaviour to his wife for almost 35-40 years but he took best care of other things. His in-laws were horrible so he would taunt her. She blamed that he preferred his folks over her and said that he was a very bad husband. They would quarrel a lot and still do that. The children know all this. He, now repents and asked his wife to forgive several times but she won’t. When he says that they should be together in Jannah, she rejects it. He is very sad and disturbed. She did not tell her folks but she says that she would complain to Allah (SWT) on day of judgment. She curses him. He asks her to forget the past but she does not listen. Should the wife forgive him and start a new life? They are 75 years old. When their children and spouses fight, they blame parents.
bismi-llahi r-raḥmani r-raḥīm,
Assalamu ‘laikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,
All praise and thanks are due to Allah (سبحانه و تعالى), and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger (صلى الله عليه و سلم).
First of all, we implore Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) to help us serve His cause and render our work for His sake.
Shorter Answer: One of the greatest wisdoms of Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) behind marriage is to create tranquility, love, and compassion between spouses, and this cannot be achieved unless the spouses treat one another kindly. Given the situation, the wife should forgive her husband for the past and fear Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) regarding her husband and remember that her entry to Paradise also depends on how she treats him. Also, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم) said if he were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone, he would have ordered the wife to prostrate to the husband. The wise woman does not transgress the limits set by Allah (سبحانه و تعالى). So, both husband and wife should hasten to set right the mistakes by seeking forgiveness, repenting, regretting it, and resolving not to do such things again. Maybe they can go for ‘Umrah together and have a program to strengthen their faith and increase their bonds, such as fasting, reading Qur’an, and listening to useful tapes.
Long Answer: Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) has enjoined marriage; He blessed man with it and made it one of His signs. He tells us that one of the greatest wisdoms behind marriage is to create tranquility, love, and compassion between spouses. Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an: “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy” (Soorah Ar-Room, 30:21)
The purpose of marriage that Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) intended cannot be achieved unless the spouses treat one another kindly, which means that each of them should do their duty towards the other.
[Given the situation, the wife should forgive her husband for the past and] fear Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) with regard to her husband and remember that he is her Paradise and her Hell. She may enter Paradise because of him, or she may enter Hell. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم) said: “Look at how you are with him – the husband – because he is your Paradise and your Hell.” (Narrated by Ahmad, classed as hasan by al-Albani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah). Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) has enjoined her to obey him on a reasonable basis. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم) told women of the great rights the husband has over the wife and that if he were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone, he would have ordered the wife to prostrate to the husband. (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi from Abu Hurayrah; classed as saheeh)
The wise woman does what Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) has enjoined upon her, and she does not transgress the limits set by Allah (swt). Transgression of the wife against the husband includes reviling him and arguing with him a great deal. If they have children, then it is more sinful because her reviling him makes the children dare to disobey their father, and he loses respect in their eyes, [which has a negative impact.]
If one knows that he/she can set right the mistakes…, then one must hasten to do so by seeking forgiveness, repenting, regretting it, and resolving not to do such things again. She must also ask her husband for forgiveness and obey and treat him kindly. Thus, she will earn the pleasure of Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) and the pleasure of your husband… This is the domestic bliss that many people miss out on, which slips through their fingers, but they are careless or too arrogant to set things straight.
[The wife should] strive – may Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) bless her – to set things straight in her home, make her husband happy… She should strive to stay with him, adopt a good attitude and refrain from everything that will make him think badly of her and cause division between them. [Both husband and wife should] strive to say du’aa’s at times when du’aa’s are answered, asking Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) to purify their heart and actions and bless them with a good attitude. [They should] not hesitate to admit their mistakes… and work out an agreement… to set things straight… [They should] refrain from arguing and reviling and strive to be a good companion. [Maybe they can go for] ‘Umrah together and have a program to strengthen their faith and increase their bonds, such as fasting, reading Qur’an, and listening to useful tapes.
(The above reply is based on an answer on the similar topic provided by Islamqa.info)
Allahu A’lam (Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) knows best) and all Perfections belong to Allah, and all mistakes belong to me alone. May Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) forgive me, Ameen.