Question # 598: Salaam, I have been married for eight years and we have two children together. Just over two years ago, my husband told me that he wanted to marry a widow. Although I was devastated, I accepted it because I know that in Islam a man is permitted to marry up to four wives, provided he fulfils the conditions, including being just and fair. He also assured me that all communication between them had remained halal before the nikah. However, around two to three months after their marriage, I discovered that this was not true. Before the nikah, they had been having an affair. They had been meeting regularly in hotels, travelled abroad together, and maintained a relationship that was completely inappropriate. Finding this out shattered me. When I confronted my husband, he admitted what had happened and apologised sincerely. He has repeatedly expressed regret and says he wishes he had never hurt me. However, despite it now being two years later, I still think about the betrayal every single day. I have genuinely tried to move on. I’ve prayed, tried to distract myself, and made a conscious effort not to dwell on it. But I feel as though I have been deeply psychologically affected. The intrusive thoughts are relentless, and almost anything can trigger memories of what happened. Because of this, I keep bringing it up, and we end up arguing almost every week. My husband has become frustrated and tells me that he has apologised countless times, that he cannot change the past, and that I need to stop mentioning it. The problem is, I don’t know how. It isn’t that I want to keep revisiting it, I simply can’t seem to stop. I often feel suffocated by these thoughts. Some days are better than others, but most days I feel overwhelmed by the pain of the betrayal. I desperately wish I could block it out and move forward, but despite my best efforts, I can’t seem to heal. What should I do, both Islamically and practically, to overcome this? Is there any advice for someone struggling with persistent thoughts and the pain of betrayal after sincere repentance from a spouse?

bismi-llahi r-raḥmani r-raḥīm,

Assalamu ‘laikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

All praise and thanks are due to Allah (سبحانه و تعالى), and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger (صلى الله عليه و سلم).

Dear questioner,

First of all, we implore Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) to help us serve His cause and render our work for His sake.

Shorter Answer: The issue has two parts: a real Shar‘i wrong and a psychological aftereffect. The husband’s conduct, that is, an unlawful relationship with a non-mahram compounded by deception before the (second) nikah, was a serious sin. If his repentance is sincere, Islam discourages repeatedly reopening the matter without benefit, as it invites discord and can harm the family. However, intrusive, involuntary memories are different from choosing to dwell on the past; they are a recognized psychological response to betrayal, not a spiritual failing. They should be treated like waswasah: seek refuge with Allah (سبحانه و تعالى), decline to engage the thought, and gently redirect attention, with patience over time. Practically, trust should be rebuilt through the husband’s consistent, volunteered transparency rather than surveillance, a calm weekly check-in for difficult feelings, and, if needed, support from a qualified Muslim marriage counselor alongside spiritual remedies.

Long Answer: What has been described in the question is not one problem but two, and they need to be treated separately: 1. A Shar’i question: how does Islam view what the husband did, his repentance, and the wife’s right to bring it up or not? 2. A psychological reality: intrusive, unwanted memories that resurface without your consent, which is a recognized human response to betrayal and not a sign of weak iman or ingratitude.

What the husband did before the nikah, that is, private meetings in hotels, travel together, an ongoing relationship with a non-mahram woman while still married, was not a “grey area.” An unlawful relationship with a non-mahram is first and foremost a violation of one’s covenant with Allah (سبحانه و تعالى), and only secondarily a wrong done to the wife. That the husband lied to the wife and called it “halal” beforehand compounds the wrong; it means the first wife’s acceptance of the second marriage two years ago was based on a false picture of what was actually happening.

This matters for one reason: the wife is not overreacting, and she is not obligated to pretend the deception was minor. However, if the husband has genuinely repented, i.e., regretting the sin, stopping it, and resolving not to return to it — then, Islamically, that repentance is real and accepted by Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) when sincere. One should realize that Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) rejoices at the repentance of His slave. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم) said: “Allah rejoices more over the repentance of His slave when he repents to Him than one of you who was on his mount in the wilderness, then he lost it, and his food and drink are on it, and he despairs of finding it. He goes to a tree and lies down in its shade, having lost hope of finding his mount, and whilst he is like that, there it is standing in front of him, so he takes hold of its reins and says, because of his intense joy, ‘O Allah, You are my slave and I am Your lord,’ making this mistake because of his intense joy.” (Narrated by al-Bukhari and Muslim). Also, Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) has promised to turn bad deeds into good deeds. Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) says in the Qur’an: “Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful” (Soorah al-Furqaan, 25:68-70)

Scholars say that if the signs of repentance appear in the husband and he stays steadfast on righteousness, then the wife should not talk about this matter again and again nor preoccupy herself with it, as this does not bring any benefit; rather, it causes harm. If she preoccupies herself with this matter, she may become sorrowful and keep the door open for the devil to cause dissension between her and her husband, and so, the family will break up, and the children will be the first victims.

Once the signs of sincere repentance are evident and the husband remains steadfast, the wife should let the matter rest rather than keep reopening it, since doing so brings no benefit; rather, it causes only harm, giving Shaytan an opening to sow discord, with the children ultimately paying the price. One should ponder over the hadith narrated by Jaabir (رضي الله عنه) that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم) said: “Iblees (the devil) places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearest to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did such and such. And he (Iblees) says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I separated him from his wife (i.e., he caused him to divorce his wife). Then Iblees goes near him and says, ‘You have done well.” (Reported by Muslim)

On the other hand, by raising this issue again and again, the wife may help the devil against her husband, who may go back to his old ways (because of your continuous hassle). Abu Hurayrah (رضي الله عنه) narrated that a drunken man was brought to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم), who said: “Beat him.” Abu Hurayrah (رضي الله عنه) said: “So some of us hit him with our hands, and some with their shoes, and some with their garments. When that drunken man was leaving (after they finished beating him), someone said to him: “May Allah disgrace you!” On that, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم) said: “Do not say so. Do not help the devil against him.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari)

Therefore, it is advised to forget what happened and look to the future and cooperate with the husband in righteousness and piety.

So on the Shar’i level, the husband is right about one thing: constantly relitigating a sin he has sincerely repented from is not something Islam encourages, and it does erode a marriage.

As for the intrusive thoughts and waswasah, Islamic scholars draw a sharp line between thoughts a person deliberately entertains and thoughts that intrude against their will. The same principle used for religious waswasah (intrusive, unwanted whispers) applies to this situation, because the mechanism, that is, unwanted, repetitive, triggered thoughts the wife cannot simply switch off, is the same, even though the cause here is a real event rather than a doubt:

  • Compulsive intrusive thoughts (waswasah) is a sickness like any other sickness, and it has a well-known remedy and may also be treated with behavioral therapy. Combining the two types of remedy is most beneficial for the one who is sick and is most likely to bring about healing. So if the wife consults a doctor who specializes in mental illness, that will be beneficial for her, by Allah’s (سبحانه و تعالى) leave.
  • Seek refuge with Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) every time one of these thoughts crosses the mind, and do not falter, for the Shaytan will inevitably be defeated and flee. This is a true promise from Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) in the Qur’an: “And if there comes to you from Satan an evil suggestion, then seek refuge in Allah. Indeed, He is the Hearing, the Knowing.” (Soorah Fussilat, 41:36)
  • Keeping one’s mind and time filled with something beneficial is part of the treatment, not a distraction from dealing with it. Advice repeated across these sources is to fill idle time with useful activity, good company, and knowledge, since rumination thrives in unstructured, lonely time.
  • Patience with this process is itself part of the deen. Overcoming this kind of thought pattern is described as gradual, requiring du’aa and sustained effort rather than a single moment of willpower.

So, the practical solution is that when a memory surfaces uninvited, the goal is not to suppress it harder or to punish oneself for having it, but to say short istighfar or ta’awwudh (A’udhu billahi minash-shaytanir-rajim), consciously decline to follow the thought down its usual path, and redirect your attention to something concrete in front of you. This is a trainable skill that improves with repetition, but it is not instant.

The following are some practical steps for repairing trust:

  • Trust is rebuilt by the husband’s openness (contact, whereabouts, communication with the second wife) being volunteered, not extracted. Constant checking and interrogation on your part, though understandable, is not something Islam encourages you to make into a permanent way of living. Therefore, spying on one’s spouse is not permitted, and if she feels she must monitor him constantly, that itself is a sign that the trust has not yet been rebuilt in a healthy way.
  • Rather than it surfacing mid-argument or at random triggers, many couples find it easier to designate a specific, calm time (e.g., a weekly check-in) where either of the two can raise how things feel, so the subject is not ambushing either of you and is not being suppressed either.
  • The husband owes the wife patience with the process, not just an apology. A sincere tawbah by him includes bearing the discomfort of her healing timeline with grace, rather than treating his own apology as something that should have instantly closed the matter. Expecting a spouse to “just move on” from a two-year-old wound within a fixed timeframe is not realistic, even outside religious terms.
  • Justice between wives remains a live, ongoing obligation, not a one-time condition met at the second nikah. Allah instructs that a man may only marry more than one wife if he is confident he can maintain justice between them, and if he fears he cannot, he should keep to one (Soorah an-Nisa’a, 4:3). This justice is measured continuously in time and financial support, and the husband’s obligation to treat the first wife with full fairness did not end once the second nikah took place.
  • The couple should consider consulting a qualified Muslim marriage counselor, not instead of Islamic guidance but alongside it. Seeking professional help for the psychological aftermath of betrayal is explicitly endorsed in the fatwa literature on intrusive thoughts, and there is no contradiction between doing that and trusting Allah (سبحانه و تعالى).

May Allah grant the couple sakinah (tranquility of the heart) and ease what feels unbearable right now.

(The above reply is based on various answers on similar topics provided by:

  • Islamqa.info
  • Islamweb.net, a website belonging to the Ministry of Awqaf and Islamic Affairs in the State of Qatar)

Allahu A’lam (Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) knows best), and all Perfections belong to Allah, and all mistakes belong to me alone. May Allah (سبحانه و تعالى) forgive me, Ameen.

Wassalaam